Tuesday, 28 August 2012

#28 Billy and Cat Parker

Cat: I knew Billy from before. He’s a bouncer at “Chancers” one of the busiest clubs in town. So I’d run into him now and again just in the line of duty. Picking up drunks, dealing with disorderly conduct, that’s par for the course on a Saturday night around here I’m afraid. So I’d noticed him let’s say. But we didn’t know each other very well, at least not until the party.

Billy: Somebody pit somethin’ in ma drink. Ah wis spiked ken?

Cat: I’m sorry. He’s from Scotland. That’s how they talk. Anyway, Billy was at this party and who should walk in but his ex…

Billy: Ma ex aye… 

Cat: Now Billy’s had a few drinks and he doesn’t want a row so he does what any man would.

Billy: Aye, ah went upstairs an’ pit ma pal’s ma’s clobber on eh? Turned masel’ intae a braw lady so ah did. Then ah went tae the tap o’ the stairs and told Gina she couldnae talk tae Billy nae mair ‘cos Billy wisnae here, just this beautiful lady. Ah felt…liberated. Like aw ma problems had jist melte’t away. The looks on folk’s faces. It made me laugh. Ah wis free ken? Free. Then ah fell doon the stairs an’ did a fair bit o' damage tae ma pal’s hall.

Cat: When he arrived at the station, he was agitated and really quite aggressive with the arresting officer. He kept insisting that he be searched only by a female officer because he was a lady. We kept telling him that no one wanted to search him, but he wouldn’t take no for an answer. When his Mum came to collect him there he was, torn dress, bruised and bloodied, make up all over his face with his wig looking like someone had duct taped a travesty to a monster. “Billy! What happened?” cried his mum. And what did you say? What did you say Billy?

Billy: Ah said, “Ah fell.”

Cat: Right then. That was when I knew.

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