Thursday, 10 November 2011

#6: Craig Rivens

Yes, it’s true; I am Britain’s smallest winner of Jasper Carrot’s “Golden Balls”. Now I know what you’re thinking. What’s Carol Vorderman really like? But that’s a different programme. A stuck up cow probably, like they all are.

I won ten thousand pounds after deciding to steal in the last round. I was up against a man called Simon who chose share and left with nothing. I saw him leaving with his wife and he said goodbye and smiled but almost straight away looked sad again. I would probably have been sad if I’d left with nothing. Sometimes, I imagine it was me who left with nothing and I think about walking out of the television studio, through the revolving door into the street, the actual street, with everyone looking at me, looking at me knowing I left with nothing. Looking at me, the man who left Jasper Carrot’s “Golden Balls" with nothing. If I think about it for too long I get a kind of itchy hot spiky feeling in my head like someone is jagging me with needles that aren’t really there and I can’t sleep. When I can’t sleep I stay up late and watch my Midsomer Murders.

I gave the ten thousand pounds to a man who was supposed to come and fix my garden. I asked him to make me a new garden with a pond and a pear tree. My Dad used to make it a nice garden but it’s been all underneath grass and stuff for a long time. But the man just made a mess and he didn’t come back. Sometimes, I see him in the street or in a shop or something and I think that this time I will tell him off or go to the Police Station and tell them what happened. Then I have to go home and watch my Midsomer Murders. If you say you are going to make someone a nice garden, you should do it. That’s what I say.

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